Dad walks in through the door.
Mum: Look at the time, is this a time that a family man comes home?
Dad: I had a company dinner to go to.
Mum: Dinner?! You reek of alcohol and cigarette smoke! and you expect me to believe that?
Dad: We just had a few drinks..
Mum: Yeah, with who? Your office skanks?
Dad: I am not having this conversation with you.
Mum: Listen, listen to me..
Dad walks off, slams door.
I thought cycling would help me lose the flabs accumulated from my humanly stay. but it turned out to be disastrous. so listen.
vanessa’s(a friend) bike is just jinxed. i dont remember a single person having a good time riding it, including herself. poor lin(fellow bikey, a friend) nearly died when she crashed and the handle bar hit her chest cavity. i really dont understand why i laugh when people fall or get injured but am the first one to rush to help. i thought she was going to have a near heart siezure or something. flat tires and loose wheels are a no no when you plan on long distance cycling.
*highlight of the evening*
-random chinese ahpek walks up-
ahpek: daddy daddy, i want twenty cents, i want to play *points at kiddy ride machine*
me:*looking shocked* err, im sorry, i dont have cash on me though.
lin: 0.0
ahpek: hahahaha, you fell for it, you looked shocked man!
lin: hahaha, funny funny funny
me: -.-
right, now i have bored hawker uncles playing pranks one me. i really shouldn’t have shaved my beard off. atleast he would have thought i am a random indian gangster and backed off. damn.
-5 mins later-
ahpek: oh, you have to pay for the token for parking here.
lin:?
lin: you still want the twenty cent uncle?
me: -.-
ahpek: haha, no i was kidding *majorly rubs my back*
me+lin: 0.0
ahpek: see you all goodbye *turns to face me* take care darling
me:-kill me at this point please-
AND now, i have bored hawker uncles chatting me up, oh brother.
who said devil was spared from the trauma of dirty old uncles.
i need to attend church, sigh.
Oh, my love, my darling,
I’ve hungered for your touch a long, lonely time,
Time goes by so slowly and time can do so much.
Are you still mine?
I need your love, I need your love, God speed your love to me.
Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea
To the open arms of the sea
Lonely rivers sigh, ‘Wait for me, wait for me’
‘I’ll be coming home, wait for me!’
Are you still mine?
I need your love, I need your love, God speed your love to me
I have discovered the worldly pleasures of youtubing and i have been unearthing so many of my oldies favourites.
I think my taste from rock has softened to sweet nothings.
maybe i should sugar coat the walls of hell.
oh no, i am going soft in the head.
while im busy exploring the many videos,
i reckon all of you should wear pink to spread world peace.
Rock music was created by me during one of my lyrical moments. Trust me. Who better to spread the word of the fallen one but my little minions, the rockstars. So yes, to see the handiwork of mine, I made use of a complimentary ticket to a rock concert. I was totally looking forward to this because the whole scene was created by me, sex booze and drugs![I need more credit, I think I created half of the feel good stuff on Earth. God took 7 days and all he created was pesky lizards and what nots. Speaking of which, I think the only think I am afraid of are lizards. Dweepy looking things with a disgusting excuse of skin tone. And not to forget how they stick onto you skin on the skin 'phat' sound they make when they land on your bare skin *shudders*]
So yes, back to the concert. I strolled in oh ever so cool only to get rudely shoved into another clubber’s amrpits. Not a very good beginning. And I was shocked how such a small space could hold so many sweaty and greasy people all in the name of fun.
So the concert began and I was feeling the vibes and I just had to headbang which ended totally unglam with me banging into another guy. After a exchange of dirty looks and sorries. I decided to take it slow. I cannot believe I have been offset by my own creative spurt. Damn.
The concert went on fine, but the moment I stepped out for a breather, I was hit by this incessant ringing sound in my ear and everything sounded far and distant. I was getting creeped out and was digging my ears out and everything. Unfortunately for me, I was told it would take a few days to wear off. So here I am, with a ringing sound in my hear, swearing to myself no more rock concert for me. I guess one of the rules of purgatory is that rock concerts are a definite no no. Not when I am half drugged out and having half clad women all over me. Not very holy now.
Till then, reflect on this. 3% of the world’s population has a third nipple. How interesting. But I wonder where it’s strategically placed though.
Imagine three nipple piercings. AWESOME.
Its official, hell has boiled over on Earth or its the serious effect of global warming. On a good day, I would have probably had a whiskey on the rocks to celebrate the one more step taken by humans to abolish but according to ‘The Book’, I realised that as a fellow human too, I have to suffer the heat too.
and mother, its been hell.
ok seriously, dont you guys think it’s way too hot? I keep breaking out in pimples and my hair is a total mess. and not to forget the sweaty armpit syndrome..
imagine developing a heat rash *shudders*
so yes, as part of my big purgatory plans and how to make the world see me as a much nicer person, I think maybe its high time I adopted some save and conserve the Earth movements.
I started off with energy conversation and yes, I dont mind the darkness for now. Only when I keep bumping into the dumb bells[explains swollen toe] damn it.
and yes, opening the fridge door for too along apparently releases CFC into the air causing a whole in the ozone layer. So I am trying this ‘quickly close the door’ thingy but it backfired big time and guess who had to clean up the broken egg shells? sigh.
and yes, and then there paper wastage. I noticed people burning this supposed fake money notes called hell notes and I went ‘BOLLOCKS!’
seriously guys, I have probably impaled half your ancestral lineage’s ass and roasting them or something and you seriously think money is going to buy away that fun from me?
Throw me a million and I still wont spare you *evil grin*
how many of you can get away with half the shit I do? haha
so anyway, I think as part of my revolution, the whole load of you should do your bit to save the Earth. [wow, that was probably one of my first few words of good, haha]
If not, I will meet you guys down under soon enough.
and trust me guys, it is NOT Australia 
Till then, I think everyone should get matching tattoos wit your friends, just to piss off your parents.
I think I did the most blasphemous thing ever. I stepped into a church. YES!
Contrary to popular belief, I do not melt into a waxy bubbling puddle and neither do I get blasted by unidentified light sources. Its just that I feel kinda edgy when I head to church.
Come of it people, you wouldn’t really like a 12 foot sized model of Jesus staring down at you when you’re the biggest blood traitor in the Milky Way now, would you? But not to give my game away, I was forcefully dragged by Van to this church called St Mary Of Angels Church which was located in some obscure corner of Bukit Batok(actually, it is right beside the Bukit Timah Nature Reserve. Don’t mind me, I still have not gotten my bearings right.)
When I entered the church, I expected like a bolt of lightning to shrivel me up or something, but I guess the lighting conductors blinking on the roof saved my ass. So what attracted me about the church was the architecture. It was definetly a very modern church, but it still somehow retained its old world charm. So as expected, I see a 12 foot sized Jesus staring down at me and I am quick to avoid his eyes when I am suddenly splashed by holy water right across the face! I thought I would start to bubble up ala The Exorcist style but I experienced a cooling effect for the holy water was placed an air conditioned hall. Nice.
And the statutes were made from paper mache’ and they were really nice. I was kind of impressed actually and was immediately thinking of building a church for myself but somehow, I don’t think many would be forthcoming with that idea. Damn it. I could so do with a jacuzzi fitted in now actually.
So yes, though i was on the edge of my seat half the time, I think I had a calming effect on me. I think its the silence and sanctity of the church. It was kind of surreal to me actually.
No people, I am not becoming soft inside or something but yes, I think I am a pretty nice guy end of the day, minus the million calamities that follow.
And I think the most ingenious human concotion to date are bubble teas. The weather is so humid that all I want to do is zap and freeze everything up. Bubble teas are livesavers man. Nothing like a good deal for your $1.50. A personal favourite would be passion fruit red tea, no pearls please. I remember a good 5 years back, bubble teas were all the rage and there were those long queues and all kind ridiculous flavours and matching names. I still don’t know what is a drunken spider and neither a Cow Udder Direct. Yes, these are some of the types I had come across. I think pearls are disgusting. Somehow, pearls remind me of orang utan nipples for some reason, not that I have touched them or something but Ah Meng is a personal favourite of mine.(God bless her hairy ass, poor girl needs a shave.) I am trying to stay indoors most of the time and Madhan’s school work is keeping that in check. I am getting quite pissed with the education system. It’s time I paid the head of office a visit.
Till then, spread AIDS and rob your neighbour’s granny in the lift.
I discovered love on earth, and that is hawker food. Yes, these cheap-fared delicacies are too irresistable!
Madhan apparently has two sidekicks, who go by the name of Van and Mun and yeah yeah, friendship, love and all that icky stuff.
So anyway, Van had this brainwave to actually start patronising hawker fare outlets as their daily food expenditure is apparently abit too tight on their budget. They actually have got major plans to backpack to India later this year and secretly hope to be caught in some crossfire and sorts. Now, how interesting can that get? So yeah, money is an issue for now.
So the first stop over was at Bedok Interchange Hawker Centre and I discovered the delights of chwee kueh! Its some sticky rice thingy with pickled radish and its lipsmacking good with alot of chilli! But after 3 pieces, i felt like a rice ball myself but you guys have to give it a try. im not sure about the halal bit but then again, im not exactly your ambassador for righteousness, am I? haha
then, another time found us at Ghim Moh eating house. The warehouse looking hawker centre is tucked away at some obscure corner near bouna vista MRT station(I learnt my MRT mappings 
) and yeah, i spent a good 15 minutes walking in the sweltering heat(dont be fooled, hell is frozen over. this heat is the real deal!) and yes, the first sign that hit me was hainanese chicken rice. though it looked suspiciously like a chinese dude’s skin and innards, it tastes bloody good! and i stole some of Mun’s carrot cake(apparently, its authentic and not very oily) Van said that the stalls there were award winning stalls like a million times and i wish i could have zapped her mouth shut.(insert happy thoughts here)
ok yes, im on a food rampage now and im yet to conquer other outlets and stuff and the other two are planning for some sambal stingray at Changi.
all i can say is, purgatory is much better than i thought it would be.
till then, ponder about this. if fellatio is an unnatural form of sex, then why is every other top selling cosmopolitan magazine giving you tips? I have done my job well.
Media is my bitch
